The Road to Coming Out

 

So the question I get asked the most is ‘do you think you were born gay?’  Simplest answer ‘Do you think you were born straight?’ But usually I will say for as long as I can remember I have always found males attractive and cute, not so much females. But subconsciously in these innocent years you think to yourself boy go with girls, that’s the way of it and in the mid 90’s it wasn’t always all that accepting in the play ground to be gay let alone the fact I barley understood what it meant. So I remember explaining to myself there is nothing wrong with a boy looking at another boy and thinking he is attractive, doesn’t make you gay, and I like girls I have girls friends (even though I don’t find them attractive) but that’s a technicality isn’t it? I often wonder was this my first rationality to realizing my sexuality? Like in the fourth grade I stayed over at a friend’s house, he and I both showered together and all I wanted to do was look at his penis and kiss him on the cheek like one of my girlfriends. As high school approached like any male all I could think about was getting laid, I heard once you could take away a boys penis and he will still find a way to have sex, well I agree. I always had a girlfriend in attempt to get laid and in the quest I would also start a part of my life that boldly shaped who I am now, the person I am the one people mistakenly feel is confident grew from this. Okay so let’s get real I got called fag, having a girlfriend didn’t always help but in all honesty not only was it the easiest prospect of any kind of sex, but it defused to a degree the bullying I got as  the obvious personality traits began to emerge long before I was ready to come out. So in my willingness to explore this interest in men because I wasn’t gay okay! I would seek out the two other guys who were in the same boat but we defiantly didn’t speak at school. Bring on the internet. Hotmail and messenger conversations were had, pictures sent, information to discover and the web cam. This was my change, this was okay I might be BI and BI was I hated sex with women, I loved sex with men and by 17 I realized.

 

I remember my first time with a guy I had no concept of top bottom versatile preferences, for some reason I had fucked women and now I wanted to be fucked no idea why I had this overwhelming perception but no regrets here. So I remember he was real nice before this I had only played around a lot of oral sex with guys my age and married men. I swear as you will learn from my experience so many married men are gay, not BI but gay. I remember after what seemed like hours of four play I told him I was ready to try it, after all we had been chatting online for a while and I was so into him like I was going to marry this man (in my head hahaha) so I laid on my back and laid on top of me and he says ‘you know I’m not fucking a women right’, I giggled as to brush it off and asked him how he wanted me and he moved me and then It clicked no it wasn’t like sex with a women, I don’t self lubricate and location location location hello where had I been living lol. However we had lift off and it was amazing, he was larger in size but as you learn seriously size doesn’t matter I'll get back to that later. So after the initial pain and metal thoughts of omg I hope I don’t … I’ll let you fill in the banks I was just so relaxed and into him it was amazing. After this I was gay, gay gay gay and yes it made sense to me know, I had always been gay women didn’t excite me or arouse me anymore I love men.

 

First love, it was a rigid eight months of long phone calls, and texting and experimenting, he was my first and also the first time I experienced how messy men can be and what lairs. Working for me I have good instincts, and like a detective I pay attention and have this nosiness to detail one of my best friends Nards once described me as a ‘cluey barstard’. So we would meet up for weekends away as we lives a few hours apart and neither of us had come out so we always met in other places. We would have so much fun. His house mates knew he was gay and one of them was younger than us and he was very attractive and I sensed he was gay and wanted my boyfriend. So after a while I noticed he always told me about his day and where he was then reiterated and Byron was at home now we are just hanging with the others. My first inclination. Second one came one weekend in Sydney and I said well my train comes in two hours he was texting someone and I knew who, my head had made up its mind and I really wanted to break it off but I wanted this week away in Whitsundays he had paid for and I was going even though I knew it was over the sex was good, he was attractive and I thought I could maybe fix it like even to the point of packing up my life and moving closer to watch him (I was a smart 24 not). So after spending the morning in bed watching TV in  this enormous apartment he had rented for the weekend I said so I guess if you done with your phone do you want to do anything before I leave? He says well it will take me a few hours at the RTA today to do my car rego so, I best be off soon. My mouth wanted to shout you said that last time I was here, my brain said, your right hold it in wait for this trip. So after a wonderful, week in the Whitsundays lost of sex and fun and just it was like it was in the beginning, but I had no trust left and I realized even if I moved to be closer to him I didn’t want  relationship living on edge of where is he all the time. So I got my revenge. He always avoided conversations he didn’t like and would try to hash them out though text, I am upfront, in your face I like to confront the situation and talk it out angry or not, I like to talk it out and for some reason liars don’t like that too much with men I have found.  So when we got on the plane and it took off, I said what I wanted to say all along. I know you’ve been having a relationship with Byron and you’re a liar. He was angry for that fact not that he was court out, not that I ended it but there was no escape and he even had the audacity to say I don’t want to talk about this anymore let’s talk about it later as if there was going to be a later looser, and as if I’d give up my very first and last chance to talk it out. I never saw him again until late last year I was travelling home and saw him on grindr, and all I thought as what did I see in him. A care sales men and now an insurance sales men, he truly was a lemon and for a sales person a poor liar.

 

I don’t think I came out as such as I had well what I will call Queen Audacity takeover. So I was chatting to guy you know at this stage I chatted a lot online to guys we spoke about life bla bla bla. So we were making good friends and we went out shopping one day and while I was concerned about the fact he was obviously and flamboyantly gay but I braved it and went into Queen Audacities place of work. I arrive home and she rings and says the people she works with saw me with him and wanted to know if I was gay? Just like that, my word froze my stomach sank and then I just thought fuck you and fuck them and I said yes, not that it’s their business and we are just friends but yes I am gay. Just like that this person I will hate forever for doing this deep down as much I do love her I will never forgive her she told everyone in my life I was gay. I had no sense of control or security over my sexuality by this stage I was only just starting to date and have sex and I was in control of whom I told and when I told them. This forced my hand in having to tell my best friend before anyone else did the only person in my life at that time I got to tell I feel like something special was taken from me in this situation, I think I would rather have been naked in public because at leats then I could have put my clothes on and it would be over, but now this would never be over.

 

I hear so many horrible stories about people who come out and it doesn’t go well. I was lucky I told people and for many they just saw and assumed as I started to publically date guys. Family took it well and not like I had to tell anyone hey. The two people I was frightened of the most were my grandparents. I love them so much and was always frightened of their catholic beliefs. My Nanny who I love and miss every day, she said the nicest thing anyone ever said to me she said Scotty I love you no matter what you know that Hun’ and I just remember holding back the tears telling her I love you too. Still brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it and I wish I had told her how much that meant to me, how much it means to me and much confidence it have me to be okay with who I was, because if they were okay with it, it didn’t bother me if anyone else was or wasn’t the people I loved most loved regardless of my sexuality and I love my sexuality I wouldn’t change it if I had the chance ever. From this time on I moved from a quiet shy person to someone who wasn’t so quiet and reserved I called it as I saw it, I called a duck a duck and I make no apologies for too long I was quiet and hid the person I was, I made conscious decisions to never do that again.