The Break Ups

 

The Break Up

 

Break ups, they are my ultimate soap opera come true in my life, it’s never finding prince charming and living happily ever after and in all my years I’ve only met one prince charming and he broke my heart. What’s a story without its drama? It’s tiring and draining and it kills tiny little parts of you and as they build up you do ultimately loose part of yourself and you break down. So one of my longest break ups happened several times over several years and it involved violence, adultery, hurting each other in crazy ways, being stalked. This guy stole my clothes off the line, would break into my house and move things which really made me feel crazy until I clicked one night I came out of a club and my car wouldn’t start, nothing, so I called road side and waited then there he was banging on my windows at one am asking to talk like that’s not a coincidence. He soon left and road side arrived and he opened the bonnet and he said would someone be pranking you? I’m like no I’m not the kind of person to prank because I’ll give it back to you tenfold why? I had no battery the next question was who had my spare key to steal my battery. Stalker strikes again, by this stage I was seeing Mr. Average size best sex ever how he stuck around so long I will be forever grateful to him as much as he hurt me when he left me for a women to hide his sexuality, I understand his position but I was left for a women, that hurts. Anyway so stalker followed us to hotel rooms, my bedroom bashing on the windows screaming all kinds of crazy stuff, it tool Police intervention to remove him and no sooner I did and felt good it was break up time again, like the universe has it in for me. It broke me, I feel looking back starting one relationship before ending and being rid of the former wasn’t ideal, it excited me and gave me passion, gave me the push and drive the end the horrid years of stalker guy but truly for the first time ever I liked someone unconditionally he did drugs and was always drunk but he was always nice to me there for me and treated me well, I was happy and that’s all that mattered. Following this I had a break down now many people left my life during this time, thought themselves better than me, but after years of fighting and hurt and anger I just let it out and had to return me, fix me so I could move on and it taught me a lesson, my best friend dad always told her something that always sat with me, he said you don’t have a lot of friends, you just know a lot of people. I will never forget these words. I was a mess I was drunk daily, erratic and  I kept nothing secret, and if people didn’t like it and left and could see I was breaking down and needed time to just recharge their loss and my gain, because I feel better now for knowing who truly is in my life. And it my friend’s dad was right you don’t have many friends in life. So after years of abuse and being degraded, cheated on and I did too once I had enough of it I, got in the car drove home in my state of depression and spent a few weeks having fun, being me and finding my old self again with my best friend, the best fiend I will ever know and will forever be eternally grateful to her. She knows me like no man has ever and only on my heart I wish in another time and universe we would be of similar age and her man , but after six years on and off with stalker and a year with Mr. Average best sex ever I was ready to close that chapter.

 

Prince charming came home from a few weeks away, and after weeks of emails and missing each other and all the talk in the world of all the things we did he missed and I missed him and talks of what we will do and he will work around me fit me in when he returns and we will spend more time together then we have a night of great sex. I just wanted the moment to last forever and it felt like it we were at it for over an hour and when we finished and looked at the time it was like that felt like forever. I was so into him but again I didn’t follow my instinct which started just before I saw him, all I could think for some strange reason was leave him, end it now and I didn’t. Then two days later he came over after dinner and was laying on me as always in bed watching TV, I’m stroking his hair, thinking dam I’m so lucky I found this man ill never find anyone as good as him then I bite the bullet and tell him I missed you while you were away and I’m not afraid to say it. Then he tells me in a few months he is going abroad travelling long term. My heart sunk, my stomach turned and my eyes hid the tears as I said don’t cry, don’t cry, please don’t cry I sat up and looked at him laying on the bed and said okay, I’m happy for you. I told him I wanted to keep dating until he left, and this didn’t change anything for me until then, he is the quiet thinker type, I am the loud reactive type, he for the entire time we had been seeing each other grounded m but this I could not be kept grounded, this turned me in way s I never thought possible to feel for another person, I actually had genuine feelings of love for another person, love above that I held for myself and yet I was unable to tell him although every inch of e screamed just wanted to tell him I love you, and when he said he needed time and he thought the best way was to end this as his feeling would grow and he didn’t want to hurt me, and he was protecting  himself as he had feelings for me. I told him I was fine and for me it hurt more to see him here and now with me, than to say goodbye when he left the country, and that’s the honest truth, I would rather have several months of great sex, dating someone I love and feel connected with more than I ever had than go back to ridicule of dating in the gay world., I asked him to choose me, want me, be with me for the time we had left. In my head I wanted to see it out and end it how we began with a picnic on the beach, under the stars, making him dinner and playing scrabble, he was my kind of man all over.  So I remember I was impatient I couldn’t help but make contact with him although he needed time and I told him, I felt like by his making all these promises and telling me all the things he wanted to do with me one day and getting into my bed, then coming back to my bed and telling me this and then wanting to just p and leave me and never see me again I felt like a used whore. He was so angry with me, and went off at me, and for what feeling like that because I wouldn’t talk to him to have the two things I needed to know answered because he needed time to think, I get that but I couldn’t without closure in my mind understand that its reciprocal, like he told me to shut he didn’t want to talk anymore when all I needed was that answered. So he went from so I was going to ask to take you out to dinner, to fuck you, to me apologizing for what yes I didn’t give him space and I said what I said in anger. I was sorry and he had said worse. Then all I ask is give me a chance, take a chance on me, give me the time of day to talk to me face to face and denies me this so I said ill come to you, guess what I don’t even know where he lives and he freaks out because I said that he knew I didn’t know where he lives, like grow the fuck up you emotional retard. Then he says no my clients ask me for chances, he compared me to his clients, after everything he said and promised, after I was okay with his leaving, I was okay with his distance and continued coldness, he said he was sorry. I broached his security , his inner world apparently because I wanted to see him, well he is lucky because I let him into my world, my home, my sanctuary and now I not only deal with not being given the closure I asked for i feel  I deserved but I had to walk back into my home after a few days away and see his cup there, his towel there, the bed as we left it, I have to deal with that, he got off lucky. for him its emotional, for me its personal too. The problem here is I am no longer sorry I wanted to talk, I wanted to put it behind us, I didn’t give up, I wasn’t chasing other guys like he was I am not sorry but I promised myself I will make sure he regrets the day he did this to me.

 

 

 

But you know what I find worse than ending a relationship when you’re madly in love and an emotional wreck by the end. When your dating and they disappear. So I was seeing a guy, nice genuine guy, cute even. So we chatted for a while always spoke about hanging out and each time something came up, yet he would ask to meet then bail … hello! So one time he was walking home from a night on the town. I was still living with my stalker ex, and we were playing around and he was giving me head. And I open my eyes and in the dark I can see the bedroom door open just a crack. I knew then and there who it was. So I ask him to roll over and stand up and as I walk past the door I kick it shut and I started going down on him. Then it began Scott Scott just let me watch, Scott why can’t I watch, please. All I had was ‘sorry bro this aint gunna happen tonight I'll walk you out”, never thought I’d hear from him again and yet he came back asking to meet me again, then after a few months disappears no explanation no answers to  text or messages just gone without a reply or reason. Then about a year later he reappears and states sometimes I just need time out and to be alone … okay I get it we start chatting and I did choose to get into a relationship with my Mr. average size because I felt safer than the phantom dater. Once again I was single and late one night he comes over and we actually sleep together and you know what I we say we are going to date and he is all excited and the day before our date he goes silent, no reply and I had the feeling it said he has bailed. Come the day I message him, nothing not even sorry I just can’t. Lie even make an excuse, seriously he is the phantom dater. Then two weeks later I see his facebook status updated in a relationship.  Why not just say it then again a few weeks later in shopping with a friend and he casually walks past and feels me up and smirks and keeps walking WTF!!! Then I get a text asking how I am and I say to him you know I was a little upset I had made plans for our date and you just disappear, all he had to say was last time you chose another guy over me and I did the same to you. Passive aggressive or what and at first I thought okay I deserve that but then I started thinking no this whole time in our I don’t know what to call it … you kept disappearing and bailing on me you deserve your name for a reason. This was not my fault at all after two years of disappointment I washed my hands and learnt to walk away yet again, my biggest downfall I give love a chance.